


Shattered, We Find Our Own Absolution

by WhatAreCats (WhatAreCatsEven)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Study, Dave Strider is incredibly perceptive, Emotions, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, If You Squint - Freeform, One Shot, Rose is kind of an idiot, Who knew?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatAreCatsEven/pseuds/WhatAreCats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Rose sinks further and further into depression and drinking, Kanaya starts to forget what she fell in love with in the first place.<br/>Happy ending, I swear.<br/>Takes place during the meteor. Slight canon divergence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered, We Find Our Own Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted, because I accidentally deleted it and didn't notice. Oops. At least this gives an opportunity to have a better title.

The meteor is silent, still.

Deep within it, in a closed off room, Kanaya is smashing bottles.

It’s therapeutic, cathartic - she dances across the shards of glass and sloppy puddles of liquor. The stuff Rose is alchemizing is almost pure ethanol, by this point. God tiers can’t be poisoned, not really, and the effects of alcohol apparently count as such. By Kanaya’s estimates, it takes ten bottles of this alcohol for Rose to start becoming tipsy.

She’s destroyed over a hundred. And there are still more.

The door opens, flooding the room with light; it’s weak, pale stuff, nothing like Kanaya herself. Because she’s suddenly so angry she burns, lighting up the room in sickly colors, and in the strange, twisting brilliance, the drinks look like spilled blood. And Rose, standing there in the door, looks like she’s about to fade away, everything but her eyes washed out like watercolors in the rain.

“I’m only going to make more.” Rose says, in her soft, husky voice. With a tilt of her head and a shift of her arms she indicates the whole room. “This was the work of an hour, at the very most.”

“I know.” Kanaya replies. “I am just trying to indulge myself.”

“No you aren’t.” Rose replies. “You’re worried about me, and honestly you shouldn’t be. Nothing so mundane has any effect on God Tiers. Besides, this isn’t heroic, or just. And it couldn’t hurt me even if it was.”

Kanaya always chokes on her anger, right up until she doesn’t. She smashes another bottle. “That is not the problem and you know it.” She replies, voice calm as ever.

“What is the problem, then? Do you still think you need to save me?” Rose laughs like the splintered glass. “I can save myself. I'm not one of your charity cases, Kanaya.”

“Rose...” Kanaya steps closer, Rose sways back. “This is not a problem. Not in itself.” She gathers her thoughts. They’ve had the same argument twice in the past week, and Kanaya’s still trying to say the same old thing in a way that Rose will understand. “I am worried about what it means. I am worried that... you’re blaming yourself for too much. I have researched this Earth beverage quite extensively, and have come to the conclusion that you are using it as an escape from something.” She steps further in. “Please, Rose... let me help you.” Kanaya still doesn't know what's wrong. And slowly, it's driving her insane. All she knows is that this needs to stop.

Rose leans in. They’re close enough to touch, now. “Kanaya, you can’t protect everybody.”

“I can try.” Every time, Rose says the same things. The same lines. Kanaya is beginning to think they mean something, that she just missed the thing she's been looking for.

“By trying, you’re only making it more likely that you’ll fail. Taking too much responsibility is always going to lead to disaster.”

More so than anyone else, Rose is her own. To Kanaya, she might as well be another planet - one too far for even a hero of Space to find. And if she were to continue the metaphor, Kanaya would say Rose was a world of ice - desolate, barren, and forgotten.

The thing everyone forgets about Rose Lalonde is that her core burns brighter than any star.

“That does not make it the wrong choice.” Kanaya says quietly. It feels like the right thing. A little closer.

They don’t touch. Not yet. Maybe not for a long time.

Rose sways back away. “I’ll consider your suggestions. In the meanwhile, take some time off from playing therapist for everyone. I’m allowed to be worried about you as well.”

Rose is gone, and Kanaya is alone again. With a sigh and slow, deliberate roll of her shoulders, she goes back to work.

Rose always likes to pretend that they aren’t talking about her.

* * *

 

Eventually, Kanaya goes to Dave. He is participating in the Earth custom of creating ‘sick beats’ and coming up with the ‘nastiest of tracks.’ Kanaya is still pretending to be baffled by why Dave is trying to make himself ill with terrible music. She is fairly certain he hasn’t caught on yet. Most people never do, and she is coming to find that Dave’s entire family is blind.

“Dave.” She says. He’s got headphones on and his turntables out, turned away from her. She sighs and moves closer, tapping him on the shoulder.

He jerks, nearly toppling over, then changes it into a casual lean backwards so fast she almost can’t tell the difference. The headphones come off, and he tilts his head to look at her.

“‘Sup, Kanaya. What’s my sister done this time?”

She's gone to Dave after every fight. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“So it’s the booze. Still.”

This is becoming all too familiar. “Yes.”

“And you’re freaked. Still.”

She needs an answer soon. For her sake as much as Rose's. “Yes.”

He sighs and turns around, music forgotten. “And she’s still bringing out the lame argument, y’know, about how it can’t affect her or anything now that she’s God Tier?”

Kanaya sighs. “I might as well get her to record it. That way, I can make collected, rational arguments and she can say the same thing. Over and over.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much Lalonde. If she says anything at all.” He adjusts his shades, and hooks his thumb at a leather couch. “Look, I've been giving it some thought. Wanna sit down while I lay it all out for you?”

“I suppose.” Kanaya says. She lowers herself onto the thing awkwardly, and glares when a footrest pops up.

“Dude, it’s just a footrest.”

“It jumped out of the couch, Dave.” Kanaya tells him, voice disapproving.

He sighs. “So, what’s up.”

“She needs to stop.”

“Well, yeah. That’s pretty clear to everyone.”

“Obviously not everyone.”

“No, it’s pretty clear to her too.”

“...Excuse me?”

“You don’t think she believes her own weak-ass shit, do you? Because, she doesn’t. At all.”

“...I had not really considered that possibility.”

“Listen dude, we’ve all seen our little bits of hell. But Rose... I don’t know what things were like on freaky alien world. But out of all of us, Rose has had it the worst. By a lot. Which is good, because y’know, anyone else would probably have given up. Or killed themselves, I dunno. Rose didn’t.” He pauses, and Kanaya can’t see his eyes behind the glasses, but she can see his furrowed brow, the way he’s biting his lip. “Rose lost her mom. We all lost someone. But then she thought she could take control back, and it turned out Doc Scratch was fucking with her. She shared a doomed timeline with me. She was possessed by the fucking hentai demons from the depths of space. And then it turns out everything she did only fueled the people she was trying to destroy. She’s taken all of that.” He pauses. “And most of all, she's scared of what's going to happen with you. I think it’s too much. Even for her.”

Kanaya’s quiet. Because she knows this, but when Dave says it... everything fits. She had all the pieces and just...

She’s such an idiot.

Dave punches her in the shoulder, hard enough to hurt. “Dude. Another crazy person in a depressive spiral is not what anyone needs right now.”

“I suppose I can agree with you on that.” Kanaya murmurs.

“Most of all, I think she just needs time. Rose has gone down pretty deep. The only thing you can do is be patient. But... she’ll be back.”

* * *

 

Two days later, Kanaya’s still smashing bottles.

Rose hasn’t even bothered to change the room she hides them in. It’s almost their routine now. A cute little thing they do as matesprits.

Kanaya wishes she had stuck to auspisticism.

Rose just leans in the doorway, this time. Kanaya’s using the chainsaw - the glass shines like diamonds in the air, and the rumble of the engine makes it a little less dismal.

“‘Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it.’” Rose says at last, and it feels like a prophecy. “I suppose you aren’t going to stop doing this.”

Kanaya doesn’t reply.

“No lectures? No speeches? Come now Kanaya, I’ve come to rely on our arguments as part of my daily routine.”

“I am not going to fight with you, Rose.” Kanaya says wearily.

“Ah, the purely judgmental approach. I suppose variety is indeed the spice of life.”

“No. Not that either.” And Kanaya’s finished them, every last one in little shards on the floor. “I can never change you. All I can do is ask.”

“Kanaya...” Rose starts to say.

“I was not finished!” Kanaya’s voice rings loud in the space. “I was not finished.” She says again. “I need you to stop. For me.” Their eyes meet. “Please, Rose. I do not want to do this any more. I want you to get well again.”

More than any of them, Rose is her own. She runs from the room. Kanaya doesn’t follow. She just sinks to her knees in a pile of broken glass.

* * *

 

Kanaya holes up in her room for days. Everyone tries to coax her out. Everyone but Rose, that is. And like the fool she is, Kanaya asks after her every time. Nobody has any answers. The only one they’ve seen less than her is Rose, actually - she went to Dave right after their fight, and hasn’t been seen since. He still won’t tell her what it was about.

She wants to kill him. Dave is the only one she doesn’t even speak to.

At night, or what passes for night here, Kanaya wanders. She goes everywhere she can think of. Even to that deep, dark Room where Rose hid from her - it’s just like she left it. That probably just means Rose is hiding somewhere else, doing the same things.

Kanaya is swiftly coming to the conclusion that just because Rose knows the most fortuitous path doesn’t mean she actually follows it.

She kneels in the room where she last saw Rose, the shards digging into her feet and legs and knees. It hurts - Rainbow Drinkers have no reduced sensitivity to pain - but she doesn’t really care by this point.

Kanaya’s pretty certain she doesn’t have a matesprit anymore.

Then the door creaks open.

Kanaya doesn’t look up for a minute, then two.

When she sees Rose, she doesn’t just glow. She burns. Her blood is going to boil right out of her veins.

Before she even knows what she’s doing, she slams Rose against a wall. The stone gives way, a little, streams of pebbles and shards raining down, and Rose doesn’t even flinch. God Tier. Nothing hurts her. That worn out old line. Kanaya slams a fist into the wall so hard that the stone turns to powder, and there’s a sick cracking noise - it’s probably her wrist. She can feel it knitting back together, and it doesn’t hurt at all. There’s a fist sized divot in the rock right next to... to Rose.

“I’m sorry.” Rose whispers. For the first time in weeks, Kanaya can't smell the alcohol at all.

Suddenly, Kanaya is crying. They’re quiet, full-body tears. Nothing even hurts anymore, she’s just gone numb. Slowly, her body goes slack.

Rose holds her up.

“Can I take you back to your room?”

Kanaya just nods.

* * *

 

Kanaya’s room is dark and cold and feels like a dollhouse that’s been left in the attic. Never really a room at all, a fact made all the more clear by a long period of neglect and disuse.

“I don’t want to stay here.” Kanaya says.

“I understand. Do you... Terezi? Karkat?”

Kanaya falls in. “All I have ever wanted was you.”

Then they’re kissing, Rose kisses her, and Kanaya doesn’t feel like nothing after all. It’s slow, and both of them are careful - just lips on lips, sliding and working gently. Kanaya pulls back with sticky black stains mixed on top of her own personal jade. Kanaya has always been too good for bad lipstick, and so is Rose - but whenever Rose wants to kiss her she wears something that stains. It’s always...

Kanaya’s always loved that.

* * *

 

Rose takes them both to her room. Kanaya’s still not used to human beds. They squish in odd places, and don’t have the warm, liquid comfort of a respiteblock. They’re too dry, too soft, too strange.

Almost as an afterthought, Kanaya shucks everything but her underwear, and crawls in. Without a word, Rose does the same.

Rose is so warm. Kanaya’s never going to get used to that.

She moves closer in, hesitantly at first - this is something new, and Kanaya can’t take another fight. They've never slept like this - skin to skin, without Rose being drunk.

They finally make contact and Kanaya has a full body shudder so strong it’s practically a convulsion. They’re kissing again, suddenly, mouth and tongues and teeth. Kanaya wants more. She has this desire - she wants Rose’s tongue down her throat and her weight on top of her. She rolls underneath, and Rose gasps at the change of position.

It's not an apology. Neither of them really want that. An apology is acknowledging fault, but implies nothing about change. But this... for once Rose is kissing her without alcohol on her breath and Kanaya doesn't feel least important, second best. It's not an apology - it's better.

Kanaya slots her thighs around Rose's leg and surges upwards. Sensation flares from her stomach to her toes, winding its way around her throat and making her gasp. She can feel her bulge squirming against her underwear - hissing and pleading, she grinds up again. Rose meets her in the middle. It's been so long, but both of them still know the steps, and this is their simplest dance. They grind again, again. Again.

Almost embarrassingly quickly, Kanaya is pailing, a rush of fluid staining the bed and mattress and coating her legs. Rose whimpers, slams down once more and she's done too. Kanaya likes her face when she - human word - comes. It looks like she's about to scream, almost, except her brow is furrowed like she's concentrating furiously. It's so... strange. So beautiful. This night was short, messy, almost painful - Kanaya will treasure it.

"I love you." Rose mumbles. "I'm sorry for everything. I missed you."

"I love you too." Kanaya murmurs back.

"I promise my neurotic, depressive tendencies will stay safely under lock and key."

Kanaya frowns. "Rose... please. Next time, just talk to me. You do not need to hide yourself. You only need to get help."

"I..." She breathes. "I'll make an attempt. I can't promise perfection."

"I would not ask."

There's a long silence. Kanaya almost thinks Rose is asleep. Then,

"I suppose we can go for the Freudian approach."

There's a pause.

"Let me tell you about my mother."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments appreciated! Also, if anyone needs an emotional pick-me-up, please watch this video. It's glorious.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b45ceSLP574


End file.
